Somewhere there’s a fire burning
somewhere there are wedding bells ringing
everywhere else nobody was paying attention.
I’m having visions of a bed where no one sleeps
close my eyes, vast oblivion consumes my mind
for a second it doesn’t matter what anything means.
Open up my eyelids
Welcome back chaotic
Hard to believe anyone could get enough of this
Been long enough now,
guess I’ll never wise up.
Put in too much effort
to just give up,
but lord knows I still will.
“Born a quitter, died a quitter”
will be written on the stone above my grave,
Maybe things would be different
if I could control what I crave.
I’ve never been able to listen
every line sounds the same
carved out a role for myself in the snake pit
by now I barely notice their fangs
no more opening my mouth – end transmission –
I finally know when to quit the game.
I bite off more than I can chew
again
and again,
The cycle doomed to repeat itself until I’m dead.
My plate is overflowing
I don’t think I can eat it all
Gotta hurry up, the second course is coming
An extra side dish I didn’t order is sent
again, And again,
I want to starve, the turkey’s carved
I’m not a fat cat, they keep filling my plate up
Looking for a new way to say,
I think I’ve had enough
I’m fed up again.
Can’t do the impossible
Can’t drown in the desert
Can’t drain a stone of a drop of blood
Working on accepting what I can’t change
I’m stuck in the mud,
again.
It’s alright (it’s alright)
There are burdens I’ll learn to deal with
Time will teach me to conquer them, again,
Then time will conquer me someday (Time conquers all)
Time heals and kills
again and again.
The equation works out like this;
Mentally spastic,
Physically inactive,
Spiritually indifferent,
Psychologically speaking, I’m always obdurate,
Metaphysically desolate,
Overall feeling conflicted,
Hours spent questioning the purpose of existence,
Time within an undetermined mind
feels like a prison sentence,
Was wading in shallow waters,
but now I’m adrift,
This isn’t one of those trips
it’s not about the journey – it’s the destination,
Murdering my mind and time with procrastination,
Everything is static, waiting for the changes,
Suffering from absentee motivation,
Call back tomorrow,
my brain is on vacation,
Trying isn’t my strong suit,
I guess I’m just not dedicated,
Ambition is in short supply, sluggish passivity permeates,
Ineffectively straining to fully comprehend causation,
Incessantly contemplating what constitutes “Salvation,”
Internally debating; is cognitive thinking a blessing or some sick mutation?
Time reclaims its grip tightly again
Follow the path for long enough,
tracing all its bends,
then deal with the relapse when it comes.
All the answers are locked behind the same wall,
all hidden in the same box
Can’t help but wonder who has the key
There’s got to be a way to manipulate these things.
Pulling the curtain might be the last thing I want to do
(leave it all out in the open)
The freshest air always gets tainted
The best of all timing always gets wasted
This feels like an experiment gone wrong
Sometimes things just go awry,
not every single bird knows how to fly.
‘Get me the hell out of here,’ I’m always thinking
Then what am I doing always coming back
I’m trying to get the hell out
bags are already packed
There’s a box waiting for me and you and you
and all of us
I had no premonition to prevent this
but even if I had,
I never would’ve learned then
Unlocked the box with all the answers
I should’ve burned instead.
If you can bet on it then it’s probably rigged
Every description’s cautiously vivid
Follow the program becoming toxically rigid
Bothered by thoughts hauntingly cryptic
Smothering logic by feeling irrational
Rock bottom starts seeming manageable
Ignorant of the cost,
Knocking on the doorstop leaping down another rabbit hole
Just another lost cause
Stop trying to fix the process, just for once be fucking rational.
Do all you can to relax,
take deep breaths,
take your time,
take things slow
It may still seem impossible
But daydreams make it feel logical
Sharp snap back to reality,
and the smog covers over
can’t see to the other side
You can only wait it out and know that you’ll survive
no matter how long it takes
these things come to pass
You could wait and flip and flip the hourglass
Everything is rarely clearly revealed
It’s all a guessing game and putting faith in something that may not be real
Play the game for keeps
and keep all the leverage you can get
Try to figure out existence
but the purpose, I can’t guess
What if we can’t nail it down
Until we do we will wander around aimless
I watch the dial spinning on my moral compass
Money, sex, love, success, or happiness,
the dial’s out of control
And if there is an afterlife, well how am I to know
I can only find out whenever I die
Or I’ll wait to find what cross I am nailed to
Do I have a cause I would wear a crown of thorns for
Sometimes I am lost I would die to find something to carry on my back
But I just can’t
no matter how much I search,
I’m like a foot soldier who’s lost the battle and the war
And so much more
And so much less simultaneously
And my opus I’m still writing in an untimely manner – of course –
I don’t know what’s the matter anymore
Tired of this illusion
Tired of this confusion
Tired of this constant state of bemusement
Tired of uncertainty,
give me a foregone conclusion
I won’t search anymore I’m too exhausted for any movement
If someone wants or needs me they can prove it –
even if I won’t believe it’s true or absolute
because trusting anyone is too hard to do –
I’ll set up my defense mechanisms once it’s too late
Serving a sentence for my own carelessness
I’ll care too much and then give up
But sometimes all the doors are closed
and no one opens up a window
Getting in is sometimes just as hard as getting out
There is nothing that makes sense here
My mind is troubled by endless doubt.
The Deadbeat: Series of Nihilistic Ramblings 